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Is there sexism in your sex life? You might be surprised at the answer. Most heterosexual couples have a very specific perspective on sex: standard issue intercourse is the main event. But why is that so? Is that how you do it when you're . . . ahem . . . alone? (Yeah, I didn't think so.) How do you take the sexism out of your sex life and make sure that pleasure doesn't revolve around him?
Who better to answer this question than women who have sex with women. Over a few cocktails, a female couple schooled me on how amazing sex doesn't have to be centered around (or even involve) an erect penis. They also reminded me that sex doesn't always have to be about intimacy and closeness—sometimes it's only about taking care of each other's needs. Their advice can be summed up in seven points that I'm pleased to be able to bestow upon you:
1. Stop thinking intercourse is what defines sex.
Because, really, it doesn't. You can have amazing, gratifying sexual experiences without sticking a penis in there. If you don't believe me, you have some experimenting to do. The fact that some research claims that there's no such thing as a vaginal orgasm might be enough reason to get more creative.
2. Take turns climaxing but make sure you KNOW you both got your turns.
Simultaneous climax is, more often than not, completely unrealistic (yeah, yeah, I know there are exceptions . . . to this and every other statement in the world). I suspect that it's easier to acknowledge this fact when there are two vaginas in the game. To my friends, taking turns and communicating that you want another (and perhaps another?) turn is an important part of sex. Learn what methods of communication work best for the two of you, and then work that magic.
3. Sex isn't always about intimacy.
If you or your partner needs a quick release or just enough stimulation to temper horniness in order to properly function at work, get it. Or give it. Think about how animals do it. Have you ever seen a long drawn out make-out session with candlelight and music between two non-human mammals? Take a cue.
4. You don't have to be in the mood.
If you go to work, prepare meals, clean bathrooms, or go on occasional double dates with each other's annoying friends when you don't feel like it, you already know how to take one for the team. Do it to get each other off, too. There's always room for compromise. If one of you is hot and bothered and the other is barely awake, you may have to ditch the hope for all-night-marathon-sex—but a quickie could work!
5. Sometimes it's all about you.
Tell him what you need, even if you think he might not be in the mood. Nothing in life is totally fair or equal. If you're feeling particularly eager, get your fill. But make sure you make your needs known. Don't expect him to read your mind.
6. Sometimes you're there to please.
Can we please embrace the fact that we are not sappy, needy, romantic damsels that always require the right time, place, and circumstance in order to muster up the excitement to get it on? Assuming you are in a loving, caring relationship where you value each other's needs as much as your own, making sure he is fulfilled is important. Yes, life gets in the way sometimes, but would you rather live with a satisfied lover, or one that is frustrated, edgy and tense because his sexual needs aren't being met? My friends told me that they are generous with pleasure for one another because that's the way love should be. Hey, the golden rule applies to sexual fulfillment too, no?
7. The "finale" shouldn't always be his climax.
Two women don't work this way—the same person doesn't always finish the act. Things don't have to end just because he's "done." Communication is key (there's a theme here!) along with making sure you're both well-versed in what gets you off. And for the love of every feminist on this website, please don't be afraid to tell your partner what you want.
